Imposter syndrome

Now here’s a subject close to my heart.  When I heard that what I had was an actual ‘syndrome’ I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I’ve always felt an imposter at virtually everything I’ve ever done and to have my feelings validated as an actual thing, well frankly I was disappointed.  I had always thought that the majority of people have a robust and indestructible sense of their own value and hoped that one day I might attain that.


Here’s the definition:  “Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. ”

Many people I know lack confidence in their abilities. When it comes to something like creative writing or painting there is no doubt a strong urge to compare yourself with others and find yourself wanting.  I’m not convinced it is ‘common among people in ‘high-profile authority positions’ as the cartoon suggests.  But if it does affect people in these situations then maybe I’ll always feel this way.

Everyone I know thinks I am a super-confident person.  I guess it has something to do with the way I come across on first acquaintance.  To some I may seem a little loud, a bit of a know-it-all, certainly not shy.  But in truth I have fought shyness all my life.  My dad died when I was 15 and I was forced to leave school and go out to work.  I really wanted to study history and my teachers all supported me in this and begged my mother not to remove me from my grammar school.  Unsurprisingly, she wasn’t persuaded, especially as she thought academia was for ‘blue stockings’ and men didn’t like those.  Her idea was to get me married off at the first opportunity.

So with six months training in shorthand and typing, I ventured out into swinging sixties’ London and found a job working for what I thought was a pet food company in offices over Marks and Spencers in Oxford Street.  I was so green; I hadn’t heard of Public Relations and my naivety soon became evident.  Part of my job entailed answering the ‘BIB hotline’.  I should explain that BIB stood for ‘Budgerigar Information Bureau’, an organisation devoted to helping budgie owners with a range of problems from feather plucking to French moult.  Disseminating breeding information was also an important part of our raison d’être.  The BIB ‘hotline’ was a dedicated phone line for people wanting advice about their budgie problems. (I have to confess here that I have always been bird phobic and cross the road when confronted by a pigeon, so not an ideal occupation for me.)

I had also omitted to tell my new employers that I was terrified of the telephone and so did everything I could to ignore that large red plastic instrument that sat in the middle of my desk.  When, after several days of avoiding answering it, I finally was forced to pick up the receiver, the rather weedy voice on the other end said, “Hello…  I wonder if you can help me.  I have a skyblue cock.”

I was so shaken, my boss took me to the press room for a neat gin and explained that skyblue is the name of a particular budgie colour and a cock bird is, of course, a male.

Twiggy BIB

Twiggy on a BIB exhibition stand

So not a great start to my career and to explain why I believe I developed Imposter Syndrome you should know what happened next at the BIB (which was of course sponsored by a well-known bird seed manufacturer).

I reported to two women.  One was the Press Officer and the other the Administration Officer.  Within months of my joining the company, the Press Officer announced she had met the most wonderful woman and the next day they sailed off into the Caribbean sunset together.  While the laborious process of interviewing and recruiting her replacement was undertaken by management, they in their wisdom thought it would be newsworthy to promote from within (on a temporary basis) the youngest press officer in the country. Me.  It’s true that in those days there were no degrees and few qualifications for working in the public relations industry but I knew absolutely nothing about the PR business or budgerigars.

Nevertheless, I got on with the job with guidance (I did have a budgie expert to advise me) and I churned out press releases all day long.  My managing director would frequently wheel me into the press room to show off her protégé to the great and the good assembled there.  But it mattered little. Usually, by 11:30 a.m. on most weekdays, the majority of the staff  and gathered clients or press were paralytic on the contents of the press room drinks cabinet so there was little I needed to do to impress.  Nobody cared.

Several months after my promotion, our Admin Manager, a lovely down-to-earth but bored housewife in her thirties, announced that she was leaving. She wanted to be with her new-found love – a Czech baron who promptly whisked her off to Prague only months before the advent of the Prague Spring.  Promotion number two occurred before my sixteenth birthday.  I had no idea what I was doing and, in all honesty, I got so behind with the BIB correspondence, I dumped most of it in a drawer and hoped it would disappear like my two former bosses.  It didn’t.

So I learned early to fake it until I could make it.  I guess it’s not altogether surprising that I got used to feeling like an imposter.

All through my early working life, I felt deeply the lack of qualifications, despite gaining priceless experience in public relations, advertising and publishing.  I decided to do something about it after marrying and having children, taking A Levels while my kids were in nursery.  I became a freelance proof reader and that paid for my retraining as a psychological therapist. I spent eight years studying for a BSc in Psychology via the Open University and gained many qualifications for a new career in counselling and therapy.  I eventually worked in various GP surgeries and organisations in the West Country as a counsellor/therapist.  Despite having more qualifications and experience than some of my colleagues, I still felt inadequate and anxiously waited for someone to expose me.


Sheldonian Theatre, Oxford with my Diploma

A move to the Midlands for my husband’s job and being unable to find similar work there necessitated another career shift.  I returned to my first love – history.  I gained a Diploma in Local History at Oxford and at my tutor’s suggestion went on to study for my Masters degree.  When I graduated from the University of Birmingham I was more qualified than I could ever have dreamed.  But I still felt like an imposter.


Having studied psychology and learning all about myself through my therapy training, I understand how and why I am plagued with Imposter Syndrome.  I don’t think it will ever leave me, no matter what I do.  But I have learned to live with it and, I suppose, that’s what people in high-profile positions who also suffer with it have done.  Yet if I could have a fiver for the number of people who tell me how confident I am, I would be a very rich imposter indeed.






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The impossible task? Finding an agent.

When I was writing my novel, all my energies were focused on getting the plot right, the structure in place, the historical facts as accurate as research allowed. In the years it had taken to finally put The Perfect Pure Virgin into satisfactory form, I hadn’t given any thought at all about how to find an agent.  This was not due to any complacency on my part that it would be easy to get the novel published.  It was more that the story needed to be told and putting it together was my overwhelming driver.

It is an amazing tale of piety, sacrifice and single-mindedness set in 16th century England.  When I first came across this story, I was determined to get it published. Everyone knows of Guy Fawkes and the Gunpowder Plot but they don’t know the real events behind it and the people who led perilous lives, wanting only to practice their faith in peace.

And so, when finally I had finished the last edit, I researched the best way of getting the book published.  To say that this is a difficult feat these days is a laughable understatement. A published author friend of mine told me to invest in a good supply of gin to help overcome the disappointment of rejection. Thousands of books every year are sent to publishers and agents which end up on the ‘slush pile’.  Many agents have no time to read these efforts while those who do are usually young agents starting out and looking to represent new and exciting authors.  Each year agents typically receive 2000 unsolicited manuscripts.  Out of all these they may take on 2-3 authors. They then have to pitch to their chosen publishers and may manage to sell two-thirds of those books they pitch. It is not an exact science and even if the agent is wildly enthusiastic about a book, this doesn’t guarantee it will be placed with a publisher.

There are many tales of well-known writers such as James Patterson and J.K. Rowling who endeavoured to find representation only to be rejected out of hand. Patterson’s first novel The Thomas Berryman Number was rejected by 31 publishers before he finally received a contract.  To date he has sold over 220 million books.   J.K . Rowling received 12 publishing rejections in a row for Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.  Eventually the eight year old child of an editor at Bloomsbury Publishing  begged to be allowed to read the rest of the manuscript and the rest, as the well-worn cliché goes, is history. Yet despite landing a contract, Rowling was told to get a day job as there was no money in children’s books!

It is these and countless stories like them that keep so many hopeful writers going.  Apart from a requirement for talent, staying power and good English, today’s writers need to develop a very thick skin.  One friend of mine who did get his novel published received a review that stated, “For this novel, the trees died in vain.”

There are few, if any, publishing houses today that will accept unsolicited manuscripts. Getting representation by an agent is almost the only way to stand any chance of being published in the conventional way.  Of course, many people self-publish these days and for some, writers like E.L. James, author of the 50 Shades of Grey series, this has proved very lucrative.  Unfortunately, it also means that there are countless books out there, available as e-books or in paperback form that are desperately in need of a thick red editing pen.  Having said that, there are, of course, many people who do self-publish and find the experience hugely rewarding.

But if the aim is to try for mainstream publishing houses, how then to go about finding an agent?

I attended an event last week at Waterstones in Piccadilly organised by The Writers’ Workshop. This organisation run extremely popular courses and a writers’ festival in York (September) where writers can meet agents and editors on a one-to-one basis.  I completed one of their Self-Editing courses in January and found it very full-on but extremely useful.

Harry Bingham, who hosted the event at Waterstones is a well-known published writer of police procedural novels.  He also knows his market.  The evening was split into two parts; the first where Harry gave useful information about finding an agent and the best submission procedure to adopt.  The second part of the evening was attended by three literary agents and the audience were invited to ask them questions.  Listening to these extremely savvy and enthusiastic women talking about their search for the ‘next big thing’ was very instructive.

What I took away from the evening was:

Make your novel as good as it can be: well-written, well edited, proof read and marketable.  That might seem obvious but listening to some of the horror stories agents tell, it clearly is not.

Although the covering letter and synopsis that accompany any submission are important, if the sample chapters are not good enough, no-one will publish your work.

One of the most useful tools given to the audience was a website:

This lists every UK literary agent and most importantly, provides photos, biographies, contact information, literary preferences and submission requirements.  There is no point whatsoever submitting an historical novel to an agent who represents crime writers or an agent who is not currently looking for new authors.

The cost of subscribing is extremely reasonable and, apart from saving loads of time, emails and phone calls, it contains all the information required to refine your agent search.  Once you have logged on, you are presented with a series of menus.  There are options for an agent, agency and publisher search.  If, for example, you wanted to find an agent who welcomes historical novels, you could click on the ‘agent search’ and then filter down by genre, agent experience, client list status, size of agency, number of clients and who represents who?

As soon as I clicked on agents who are open to handling historical novels, a long list of names appeared with their photographs and a short biography.  Most have specified what kind of books they are looking for.  This, of course, is priceless information.  In pre-internet days, an author’s most useful resource was a copy of The Writers and Artists Yearbook (who incidentally also have an excellent website now) and involved trawling through page after page of what was, probably, information that was a year out of date. The  website is very logical and user friendly and although it won’t be able to sell my book to an agent and then a publisher, I now feel that at least I have a good chance of sending my novel off in the right direction.

All that remains now is for me to ensure my novel is as good as it can possibly be, develop a thicker skin and get the gin bottle out!


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10 planes, 4 boats, 1 train, 1 rickshaw, 1 microlight and an elephant – India and Nepal

It’s going to take time to process but I need to put down my thoughts while the scent of cow dung and oleander are still with me.  It’s been a lifelong ambition to travel to India and Nepal and I knew they would be very different from any countries I’d seen before. People kept saying ‘Oh you won’t like the poverty or the dirt or the noise or the traffic’ and they were right and they were wrong.  I didn’t like it but it got to me in a way I didn’t expect.  And when we reached Nepal, in spite of everything, it worked its magic on me.

Day 1/2:  Arrived in Delhi with my group.  The flight was long and I was with a lovely gentleman who was visiting his family in the Punjab but who insisted on telling me every detail of his wife’s many and various medical problems.  Way too much information for an nine hour flight!  We’d flown overnight without any sleep so the transfer to the hotel was a noisy shock.  It felt like I’d been plunged into bedlam.    The streets were filled with traffic, goats, cows, tuk-tuks, rickshaws, coaches, cars and oxen carts.  If a vehicle carried a horn it was hooting.  There seemed to be no right of way or sense of giving way, it was every man/animal/vehicle for himself.

We were carried more than driven to the Qutub Minaret, the tallest rubble masonry minaret in the world.

Qutub Minaret2 (2)

Qutub Minaret

Construction began in 1192 AD  and despite various disasters including a lightning strike it was rebuilt.  Several examples of wonderful carving in the outlying buildings together with the oldest iron pillar in the world (4th century). Amazing as these sights were, I was longing to get to our hotel which thankfully was very comfortable. On arrival we were greeted with a ‘namaste’, a bindi planted on our forehead and a garland of marigolds.  This happened at every hotel we stayed in (and there were a few). (Note the matchsticks propping my eyes open in the photo!)  Felt better after a hot bath and two glasses of wine (not necessarily in  that order!)

Day 3: Early start, driving through busy Delhi streets and past markets.  It was everything I’d been told, filthy; noisy; cows wandering around with their noses in rubbish tips; dust so thick we all got sore throats. The shops were just a revelation. Butchers’ shops displayed parts of animals I didn’t know existed; chickens shut in tiny cases clucking pathetically; steaming cooking pots bubbled adjacent to the live animals cruelly demonstrating where they would end up.

Delhi streets9

Butchers’ shops

There were no pavements; the streets were like construction sites with piles of rubble, bricks and earth to clamber over.  The power cables amused me the most.These were draped over and round poles and buildings like black spaghetti. Some dangled so low over the road that buses drove into them but amazingly without any disasters.

Delhi power cables4 (2)From the chaos of Old Delhi we drove to see Gandhi’s cremation site by the Yamuna River and then into the British Colonial part of town – New Delhi.  It was like stepping into another world; landscaped with lush manicured gardens, large gated estates, their fences allowing a tantalising view of magnificent white-walled bungalows.  The road system began to be orderly, roundabouts appeared, even the horns’ noises lessened.  We circled the India Gate war memorial and arrived at the Viceroy’s House (which should, most definitely be described as a palace) and the old Parliament building.

Viceroy's palace Delhi3

Viceroy’s House

Lovely as all this was I couldn’t help but feel guilt that we had imposed our lifestyle on a country that clearly had their own culture and their own ideas of grandeur.  Our final stop before leaving Delhi was at Humayun’s Tomb, almost a forerunner of the Taj Mahjal but not quite as beautiful.

Humayun's tomb4

Humayun’s tomb

It was built for the Mughal Emperor Humayun in 1569 and designed by a Persian architect.  Having seen this wonderful piece of architecture, I began to fear that  when I did finally clap eyes on the Taj Mahal, it be an anti-climax.  We left Delhi then and drove through flat agricultural countryside for several hours.  The fields were lripe with wheat and other crops.  Several women squatted in the fields moulding cow pats which are used as fuel and roof tiles.  Eventually we arrived in Agra and settled into our hotel rooms but I had to rush to the hotel rooftop to get my first sight of the Taj.

Day 4:  The 5am alarm call wasn’t appreciated but after setting off in the dark, we stood by the West Gate waiting to be let in as the first rays began to climb up the red sandstone outer walls.  Eventually the gates were opened and I almost ran to the great entrance gate through which I caught my first sight of the Taj Mahal, the great white marble mausoleum built by the Shaj Jehan as a tribute to his adored wife Mumtaz.  It was most certainly not an anti-climax.

Taj Mahal27

Taj Mahal

The building shimmered in the early morning light accentuating the exquisite inlays on the white marble; the symmetry; the delicacy; set against a backdrop of luxuriant gardens and vibrant flowers.  I was transfixed.  On the other side of the Taj is the river, which at that early part of the day was veiled in mist; one lone fishing boat was just casting off as I stood and watched in relative isolation.  The story of the Shah Jehan who built this mausoleum for his beloved wife was slightly spoiled when we heard what happened to him. His plan was to build a version of the Taj in black marble for his own tomb.  His eldest son, fearing his inheritance would be used up, captured his father and imprisoned him in the nearby Red Fort.  We went to the Fort which was also an architectural masterpiece so not a bad prison.

Red Fort Agra13

Agra – Red Fort. Shah Jehan’s prison

However, it was poignant to see the misty view of the Taj from the Fort that Shah Jehan would have gazed at every day.  In the end he was buried next to Mumtaz.

Day 5: Early call and had a quick breakfast before going to the train station.  That was an experience in itself!  Very confusing signage but we had help and managed to find our seats.  Made the mistake of trying to use the ‘She Toilet’ – I’ll draw a veil over that.

From Jhansi station drove to Orchha Fort.  It was hot, humid and the fort had loads of stairs.  I only managed a few but met some lovely locals.  I found it quite odd at first but many of the local people kept asking if they cDSC00925 (3)ould take a photograph with us.  According to our local guide it was the novelty of my blond (ish) hair and pale skin.  After a nice lunch in beautiful gardens we drove on and stopped at a hamlet where our Tour Manager is a frequent visitor.  We were able to meet the local people and visit the school to watch the children at lessons.

Village stop15

Our hostess

Our guide helps them by buying pens for the children and we left sweets for them.  They kept calling out ‘Heeello!’ and ‘My pen’ and wanting to hold our hands. Although it was just incredible to see them, I felt a little like a voyeur and slightly uncomfortable. The houses were immaculately clean.  Got quite emotional to see such happy, well cared-for children who had so little compared to our own. The beautiful woman in the picture shares her house with 25 other people.  The house has two and a half rooms.

We then had a very long, uncomfortable drive through the countryside on bumpy roads arriving at Khajuraho after dark.  Settled into our hotel exhausted.

Day 6:  I’d woken in the night confused. I didn’t know where I was, then couldn’t get back to sleep.  Just managed a bit of fruit for breakfast before driving to see the Hindu temples at Khajuraho.



Such incredible sandstone carvings, many of them erotic and based on the Kama Sutra. Climbed barefoot into the inner sanctum of one of the temples and then walked in the beautifully kept gardens.  This is a UNESCO World Heritage Site and beautiful though it was, the heat and humidity were getting to me a bit.

To the airport and boarded a Boeing 737-800 for a 40 minute flight to Varanasi.  We had a sudden addition to our itinerary. As there were elections the next day, many sacred sites were closed so almost immediately we drove to Sarnath, near the confluence of the Ganges and the Varuna rivers in Uttar Pradesh.  This a very holy site for Buddhists as it is where Buddha gave his first sermon.



There was a stupa and a vast area of ruins which visitors sometimes daub with gold leaf as offerings.  A large party of pilgrims, led by the Buddhist monksSarnath were seated on the grass chanting and sweet scented smoke from the incense burners drifted past.  It was a very special place.

At Varanasi, we were given only minutes to check into our hotel before being whisked off to the Ganges waterfront. Took a large boat along the waterfront, past the ghats (flights of steps) which were full of people enjoying the Aarti festival, a Hindu ritual that takes place every night on the ghats (steps) of the Ganges. Light from wicks soaked in ghee is offered to one or more deities while hundreds of people sing and dance along the riverfront. Varanasi Arti festival1.jpg

Varanasi candles

As we sailed past we lit small candles set in saucers of marigolds and floated them down the Ganges in memory of loved ones. These had been sold to us by some very enterprising and insistent little girls  who looked angelic but were apparently lethal if you got on the wrong side of them.

We disembarked on one of the less crowded ghats having sailed past the cremation ghats. The boat fell silent as we passed the burning pyres and the relatives of those being cremated.  Nothing in our previous experience could have prepared us for that.  The steps were lined with bodies waiting to be burned and those that had been alight for some hours. Also on the steps were cows and goats and male mourners and the remains of previous pyres.

The walk through Varanasi was an experience in itself.  The pollution was so great we needed to put scarves over our faces and yet the streets were bursting with people, cows, goats, stray dogs, rickshaws, tuc-tucs, motorbikes and cars.  Horns hooted constantly but no-one took any notice.  Our Tour Manager thought it would be ‘fun’ for us to go back to the hotel on a rickshaw.  I didn’t realise I would be taking my life into my hands.  To even reach the rickshaws we had to cross the road which was gridlocked with vehicles and animals and no-one, and I mean no-one, was letting any pedestrians through.  Crossing that road could be put under the heading of ‘dangerous sports’ and I’m still amazed we all made it without incident.  And then there was the rickshaw ride itself…

For a start our ‘driver’ didn’t know where our hotel was so had to ensure he kept his cousin – another rickshaw driver taking others of our party – in sight.  The cousin was keen to get there and we kept losing him.  To say our driver took risks in trying to keep up is an understatement.  I held onto my companion for dear life but small though we both were, the rickshaw hardly held us.  Then the other rickshaw drivers kept ramming into the back of us in an effort to stop other drivers cutting in.  It was the scariest ride I have ever been on.  We made it back to the hotel but all needed a stiff drink before bed to calm our shattered nerves.

Day 7:  5am wake up call.  Drove back to the ghats and climbed aboard another boat to watch the sunrise over the Ganges.

Ganges sunrise17

Wasn’t feeling particularly keen on this but by the time the red sun rose over the steamy waters, I was sold.  Walked back through the streets and ran the gamut of the hawkers who pushed and pushed us all to buy souvenirs.  They were especially keen on selling fridge magnets depicting the burning bodies on the cremation ghats!
Needless to say there were Ganges sunrise21no takers.  Drove back to the hotel.  Packed and set off for the airport.  Flew back to Delhi.

When we arrived at our hotel, we were given the usual bindi and garland but today being World Women’s Day all the women were given a pink rose and we had our photo taken for the local paper.

Day 8:  Flew to Kathmandu.  It felt very different in Nepal.  Everyone seemed to be so grateful and happy we visited.  There’s a common misconception that much of Nepal was destroyed in the 2015 earthquake. In fact, though damage was pretty bad and 9,000 people lost their lives and 22,000 injured, it is a country getting back on its feet. Checked into the Hyatt Regency, a beautiful hotel near the famous Boudhanath Stupa.

Hyatt Kathmandu3

Hyatt Regency foyer

We were greeted with huge smiles wherever we went, despite all its troubles, Nepal is a calm and beautiful place. Our local guide, Dipak, told us that though many of the wonderful temples were damaged or destroyed, there is a huge rebuilding programme going on.  He was a lovely man, who collected English idioms with relish.  Everything was ‘spiffing’ or ‘top hole’ and when he spoke of his lovely family, he referred to his children as his ‘cheeky monkeys’.  I spent the afternoon by the swimming pool doing not a lot.

Day 9:  Up at 5am in the hope of taking a flight around Everest.  Drove to the airport and waited while an aircraft took off to do a weather check.  When the pilot reported back that it was not good enough, we weren’t surprised, there had been rumbles of thunder all night and the day dawned very overcast.  It was a disappointment but we had two more chances so weren’t disheartened and it meant I could go back to bed for a while.

Drove to Kathmandu centre, to Patan Durbar Square, a World Heritage site and one that was damaged in the earthquake (though not as badly as Basantapur Durbar Square).

Patan Durbar Sq Kathmandu4

Patan Durbar Square

Although there was reconstruction work going on, this was still a most beautiful and serene place.  Patan Durbar Square Kathmandu12Visited several temples and ogled at the glorious architecture with exquisite carvings.  Thankfully there are still Nepalese artisans who have the skill to reproduce and repair the fine buildings and sculptures. Walked through Kathmandu mesmerised by the myriad of shops and markets. The streets were full of life, many still full of rubble too but we just climbed over it and continued on our way.

In the afternoon we visited the Boudhanath Stupa,

Stupa Kathmandhu7

Boudhanath Stupa

a short walk behind our hotel.  My friend insisted she knew the short cut having been there before and we found it quite easily.  The stupa is in the centre of a large circular shopping street.  To our left a tent housed a large group of Buddhist monks chanting and burning fragrant incense.  We joined everyone in walking clockwise around the stupa which is a mark of respect and reverence.

Stupa Kathmandhu1

Walking clockwise around the stupa

My companion also managed to do loads of shopping. As we circumambulated around the stupa, the sky grew ominously dark so we decided to return to the hotel for some tea. Unfortunately, my friend’s sense of direction wasn’t quite as ‘top-hole’ as our local guide’s and we got a smidge lost.  We asked several locals who all said they spoke English. They were trying to be so helpful but just succeeded in getting us more and more disorientated.  I was on the point of trying to find a taxi when an Aussie voice called out ‘Do you want the Hyatt Regency?’ and this marvellous woman, who clearly now lives in Kathmandu, gave us clear and concise directions back to the hotel but not, unfortunately, before the heavens opened and dropped an ocean of water on us.

Day 10: The storm flashed and banged all night but as we were trying again for our Everest flight my alarm went off at 4.45am.  We waited to hear from the airport, although it seemed obvious to me there would be no flying around the mountains today. Eventually we all descended on the breakfast buffet like a flock of pigeons in Trafalgar Square.  After a bit of a lie-down, drove to the airport and flew in a Buddha Airways ATR 42 to Bharatpur. Fortunately the weather had cheered up by this time and we arrived in the central-southern part of Nepal in the Chitwan National Park  for our two-day stay at the Nariyani Safari Lodge. We drove through some colourful agricultural countryside watching the women working in the fields.  These were bordered by a pretty blue flower which, Dipak informed us, was a rampant weed – Ageratum – which I plant annually in my garden!

After an hours’ drive, we arrived at the lodge and were assigned our clean, crisp but basic rooms. I immediately found a large spider in my sink which, I’m ashamed to say, I dispatched quickly down the plughole.  So much for emulating Buddhist principles!

After a simple but satisfying buffet lunch overlooking the river, we were taken to a small enclosure and introduced to Somokali.

Elephant meet5

Meeting Somokali

Our ranger, Harka, gave us lots of information about the elephants and the safari we would be taking the next day. She was a sweet-natured elephant and allowed a few of us to feed her.  Later on Harka gave us a slide show in the lodge – some of the pictures were absolutely revolting.  They showed King Edward VII on a shoot in Chitwan with hundreds of tiger skins hanging up behind him and his party like curtains. I was so ashamed I needed several glasses of the excellent local wine to erase the memory from my mind.  My friends accompanied me back to my room before I turned in for the night, just to ensure I didn’t have any unwanted visitors.  All was fine. However, in the middle of the night, something fell on my head and woke me but I was too scared to look and see what it was until the morning.  I struggled to get back to sleep as the sounds of the jungle outside were loud and creepy.  Hoots and squawks and scrabbling at my window gave my imagination a field day.  It was a restless night but I did manage to get some sleep.

Day 11:  When I woke it was obvious something had dropped on me in the night. On my bed cover (and my head) was what looked like some bark fallen from the roof of my quarters.  Chitwan early morning2

Later on, one of my fellow travellers told me he had been bombarded by grubs mating so I counted myself fortunate and didn’t investigate the ‘bark’  too closely. Breakfast was at 6:30am on the terrace overlooking the river.  It was a beautiful sight with the mist rolling off the water.  Got a lift to the departure site and with my two friends was helped onto our elephant who, thankfully, seemed docile. We had dressed, as advised, in camouflage colours.  We followed another elephant and almost immediately she splashed through a river or shallow lake. All the elephants were female as the males can be quite aggressive.  They all clearly loved their mahouts.  Once we had become used to the swaying motion of the animal it was actually quite comfortable but I did have trouble steadying my camera enough to take photos.Chitwan safari - rhino

As the sun rose the ranger pointed out rhino, monkeys, many different sorts of deer, wild boar – one with her babies – and a rather excitable peacock.  Sadly no tigers though we did see a tree trunk with claw marks so there was one about.

Chitwan safari stags3

On our way back we passed a sadhu, sitting cross-legged getting quietly stoned on hashish who waved happily to us as we swayed past.  We dismounted and thanked the elephants but then a little later went down to the river to see them having their baths – a reward for their hard work taking the awkward humans on safari.

Chitwan - elephant bath6

Some of our group decided to join the elephants and got an impromptu shower and we were joined by a few local children who were celebrating the Hindu spring festival, Holi. This is the festival of colours and it’s not hard to see how they mark it.  Most of them sat fascinated and laughing, watching us as we were soaked by the elephants who were clearly enjoying themselves too.Chitwan - Holi day paint

After lunch we wobbled our way into some dugout canoes which were ably guided downriver by local boatmen. I was a little alarmed when our canoe began to take on water but I was told to stop complaining or I would be thrown in. This wasn’t an inviting prospect as there were several very large crocodiles on the riverbank watching and doing the croc equivalent of licking their lips, so I shut up and watched as my canvas shoes became waterlogged.  Chitwan - canoe trip2When we reached the other side of the shore we were told to keep quiet as we walked through the jungle to a crocodile farm.  I tried but my shoes squelched really loudly and I was convinced I’d be set upon by a croc or a tiger.  We passed more trees with tiger claw markings. This, we were told, was the way the tiger marks out its territory. Not a comforting thought.

The crocodile farm was a bit of a revelation – I didn’t know they got so enormous.  Chitwan - rhino swim3 (2)As we walked back to the riverside we were told to keep quiet; a rhino had joined us and was making his own way down to the river.  We watched him very carefully as we made our way back to the lodge – and he watched us carefully back!

As it was Holi day, after a really lovely meal we were treated to a display of some local dancing by some of the lodge staff. Then it was our turn. Our faces were daubed with pink powder and we were pulled into the dancing circle – I think the lodge staff were impressed, they were grinning, pointing and clapping a lot.

Day 12:  Another early start and we said farewell to the lodge staff who had been fantastic, particularly Harka the ranger.  We left as the sun was rising and were delighted to see our rhino who had strolled up to the river bank by the lodge to say goodbye.  Our next stop was to be Pokhara, a town in the foothills of the Annapurna range.  Before the earthquake the road trip took about five hours.  Unfortunately some of the roads were being remade and this meant a very bumpy and uncomfortable ride for closer to seven hours.  Despite the bumping and jolting it was a marvellous trip.  The scenery, as we climbed higher into the mountains, was breathtaking. Road to Pokhara

We arrived pretty exhausted but knowing we had a free day the following day, I went straight to the concierge and booked an ultralight flight round Annapurna.  Dipak and Matt, our Tour Manager, dragged us out straight away to the Gurkha museum as much of the selection and training for this wonderful army unit is done here. In 2015 almost 8,000 Nepalese men applied to join.  The selection is very rigorous and in the end, the British army only take about 230 men. Dipak, our local guide, had applied in his youth and failed to get in.  Pokhara is his home and he very proudly told us how it is a huge status symbol to be picked.  Sadly, in the last few years there has been much misinformation about the gurhkas’ benefits on British television news.  We were told that it is still a life that most young Nepalese men aspire to.

From there we drove to Lake Fewa, a large freshwater lake where we donned life jackets and climbed into rowing boats.  I did wonder why, in Chitwan, we had been rowed in dug-out canoes in a crocodile-infested river without life-jackets yet here they seemed to pay more attention to safety.  To be fair, the lake was a lot deeper than the croc-filled river. When we stepped ashore again we had a walk around the lakeside shopping centre and bought some souvenirs; then back to the hotel for dinner.

Day 13:  Alarm went off at 5.45am and I wore, as instructed, many layers – four to be exact. Met Princess, my Chicago/Filipino friend (yes, that really is her name) and we drove to Pokhara airport, just five minutes away from the hotel. After filling in a disclaimer – not worried at all – we got suited up.  I had a large jacket and trousers to add to my four layers as well as leg warmers, ear defenders, gloves and a helmet. Felt like I was being suited up for an Apollo flight rather than a small craft with a lawnmower engine.  Met my pilot, Saja who seemed very young.  I asked him how many hours flying he had on the ultralight and when he proudly said 200, my heart sank.  I then asked him the average number of hours it took to go solo and he said ‘usually 24 but I have broken the record, I only had 4 hours flying time before going solo’ – he seemed so pleased with himself I swallowed hard and shut up.  He strapped me into the rear seat and then climbed into the front and did some reassuring checks.  Then, we followed Princess and her pilot out onto the runway and took off.  Wow.  I’ve flown in many small aircraft, even open cockpit monoplanes but never one as open or small as this.  It was incredible.  We turned right towards the mountains and climbed away. As expected, it felt very cold up there, hence all the layers but so worth the discomfort for the amazing view.Ultralight1 (2)

Soon enough we arrived at the snow capped peaks of Annapurna and Saja pointed out the range, Annapurna 1,2, 3 and South.  The mountains were so close I felt I could reach out and touch them but as we climbed, it got colder.  Pretty soon I couldn’t feel my feet and though we chatted over the intercom, every time Saja asked me if I was cold I said ‘not really’.  What was he going to do about it?  How to describe the amazing views?  It’s almost impossible.  Being in the ultralight was like flying without an aircraft, I think the freezing temperatures added to the experience.  Not being able to feel my legs made it more real although I did wonder how long it took to get frostbite.

Ultralight2 (2)

Flying past the World Peace Pagoda and over Lake Fewa

All too soon we began descending and we flew past the beautiful World Peace Pagoda and Lake Fewa.  Then we began turning onto final approach for landing and the ultralight kissed the ground without any fuss or blood spilled.  It had been an amazing experience and one I shall never forget.  I even got a DVD of my flight together with a certificate to prove I survived!

When I arrived back at the hotel I sat by the pool to thaw out – it was actually very hot and I even got a bit sunburned – savouring every moment of my morning flight.  Later on we were all going out to dinner by Lake Fewa but Dipak kindly invited us to his house to meet his wife and cheeky monkeys.  What a lovely family – he has two girls, 7 and 14 and a six-month old son.  His wife was very sweet and we left after a cup of spiced tea.  The meal at lakeside was really nice and though we still had another day of the trip to go, this was to be our last opportunity to sit down together to break bread.  It was really enjoyable and as I sat next to Dipak I had a chance to ask him about Nepal and how the earthquake had affected them all.  He said it was the most terrifying experience of his life and I can imagine it was.

Day 14: Another early start but was used to them by this time.  Alarm call at 4:45, had breakfast and packed.  Our driver took us up some really narrow mountain roads, with traffic coming in the opposite direction.  It was a bit of a competition to see who won right of way.  I had my eyes shut most of the time, especially when we drove close to the edge of the road where there was a sheer drop of thousands of feet and no wall or barrier to stop us if we got too close.  We left the coach and began walking and as the terrain was quite steep, some of us got quite breathless very quickly though I like to think it was more the high altitude than my unfitness.  As it got light it became obvious why we had gone to such lengths.  The sun rose and cast a pink glow on the Annapurna range that was truly magical.

Annapurna sunrise8 (2)

Back to the airport for our flight back to Kathmandu and our aircraft went tech.  Our Tour Manager had arranged for an ATR 42 to be waiting on the tarmac at Kathmandu to whisk us off to see Everest but as we waited for a replacement aircraft to arrive at Pokhara we began to worry cloud would build up over the Himalayas and spoil our final chance to go. As it turned out the sick aircraft was a blessing in disguise as there had been cloud over the mountains which had cleared over time.  As soon as we landed at Kathmandu we crossed the tarmac to our waiting aircraft which the Tour Manager had chartered especially for us.  We each had a window seat and took off towards the Himalayas.  The views were spectacular and as we approached Mount Everest the flight attendants made sure we knew exactly which mountains were which.  The Captain invited us up to the flight deck individually and we managed to get some wonderful views of Everest. Everest from flight deck of ATR 42It’s clearly the tallest mountain around and looks quite forbidding even from the air.  We turned around and all got another view of it as we swapped over to the other side of the aircraft (I’m sure the Captain was madly re-trimming the aircraft to compensate for the weight differentials as we moved!)  Everest7

This really was the icing on the cake. Our views of the roof of the world were spectacular and Everest in particular absolutely stunning. The airline handed us certificates to say we had been there and some people bought souvenirs on board.  We returned to our hotel quite speechless and I had a quiet final dinner with two of my friends reflecting on our experiences.

Day 15:  The next day we were up early (again!) and drove to Kathmandhu airport for our flight back to Delhi.  We weren’t there very long before boarding for our flight back to the UK which took about 9 hours.  All in all it was an incredible trip. Ten flights, four boat trips, a train, numerous coaches, a rickshaw, an ultralight and an elephant but my goodness I need a holiday now.


March 24, 2017 · 11:35

Getting it right

I’m a sucker for a good historical novel, reading about people’s lives in the past and gaining  an understanding  of what made them tick.  In the main, I think, most historical novelists do try to stick to the known facts, that is the documented evidence, unless it gets in the way of the story and there’s usually a note at the back of the book to say where the author has gone ‘off piste’.Little Ease

In carrying out research for my novel, The Perfect Pure Virgin, I have endeavoured to include as much information from extant documentary evidence as is possible. In the case of my story, there are many factual gaps owing to the secret nature of my protagonist’s lifestyle –  which is a actually bit of a godsend for a work of fiction.


Little Ease today

I have researched in many places: the National Archives at Kew, the British Library, county record offices and grand country houses. I’ve read diaries, chap books, State Papers, judicial reports and autobiographies – the list is endless.  I have also been lucky enough to meet some incredibly helpful people along the way.

On a visit to the Tower of London, I was asking one of the yeoman warders if he knew the whereabouts of the dungeon where many of my characters were tortured.  I understood this dungeon to be in the White Tower probably in the sub-crypt, just below where the lower gift shop is today.  The yeoman warder I was talking to became extremely interested in the premise of my novel and asked me to follow him. He led me to a small opening in the wall, “This” he said “is Little Ease” – an infamous tiny holding cell measuring just 1.2m square (4 sq ft), its cramped conditions preventing the prisoner from ever finding a comfortable position. This was where Guy Fawkes was held before he was put to the rack.  After his interrogation poor old Guido was never the same again – a man broken in mind and body. Nowadays Little Ease it is just an archway leading into a public gallery.  In my photograph the cell is the small section in the foreground of the picture which has had its back wall knocked out to make a passageway.  Visitors to the Tower today walk through without even noticing it!

Sub-crypt tunnel

Sub-crypt tunnel

The warder then produced a large bunch of keys and led me through a series of locked doors, down a couple of staircases and into  a messy storeroom. This was where many of the most famous interrogations took place. I was surprised that a location of such infamy should today be relegated to a dumping ground for old exhibits and discarded packing materials. The warder allowed me to take photographs and the picture here shows one of the blocked-off tunnels.  It is believed that in the sixteenth century, the tunnel led from underneath the Lieutenant of the Tower’s quarters in what is known today as The Queen’s House, directly to the torture chamber.  The chamber would have contained a variety of ghastly instruments and although most people have heard of the Rack, many Catholic priests were subjected to the Manacles or Strappado. This latter was a device where  the unfortunate prisoner was suspended by their wrists until  the full weight of their body was only supported by the extended and internally rotated shoulder sockets.  The technique typically caused brachial plexus injury, leading to paralysis or loss of sensation in the arms.

Now as far as I can discover, there is no documentary evidence giving details of this tunnel, nor are there any maps that show its course from the Lieutenant’s quarters to the sub-crypt. As with much of history, various pieces of the jigsaw have been put together in a certain way – which, let’s face it, may not be entirely correct.  For the purposes of a good story though, I think making assumptions based on what has been handed down is probably as close as we will ever get.

At the end of the day, although fans of historical fiction like to know what they are reading is based on fact, they are also aware of the inevitability of poetic licence.

Another of my research outings was to Baddesley Clinton house in Warwickshire. This house was allegedly rented by my protagonist Anne Vaux and her sister Eleanor, to shelter the leader of the Jesuit church in England at a time when Catholicism was outlawed and Catholic priests were hunted down and arrested on a charge of treason.  The house certainly contains a few priest holes (Warwickshire boasts many Catholic gentry houses where the  owners were related and much intermarried).  There is no documentary evidence of such a lease on Baddesley Clinton but then since everything was done in the utmost secrecy, you wouldn’t expect to find any!  The owner must have been sympathetic enough to allow the priest holes to be built even though he was living elsewhere at the time.


Baddesley Clinton

I have visited this house on many occasions and seen the priest holes that are on show to the general public.  On one recent visit I got talking to a volunteer guide about the house and he became interested in my research. He introduced me to the House Manager who was incredibly helpful and generous with her time.   When I explained to her that I would like to see the priest hole that wasn’t on show to the public, she led me into her stationery cupboard and

Stationery cupboard priest hole

Stationery cupboard priest hole

pointed to a ladder inside – at the top of the ladder was a secret hide.  Later on that day she very kindly sent me a photograph of the priest hole which is only accessible once you get past the paper clips and ink toner!

History is constantly being revised and although we shall never know exactly how certain events came to pass, historical novels can contextualise and attempt to explain events of momentous importance to the past and also the future.  No matter how much research is done, the author will inevitably sometimes get things wrong but perhaps we can make some allowances for those poor historical novelists who do their very best to get it right.



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A good night’s sleep – something many of us take for granted…

Most people climb into bed at night, shut their eyes and…hey presto – it happens.  They escape into a place where rest is achieved, their bodies recover from theinsomnia1ir daytime exertions and healing takes place.  It’s so automatic that we don’t, generally, question it, wonder about it or give thanks for it.  For some it is so easy they become a little cocky about it.  (No names mentioned here!)

I’ve suffered from poor sleep for many years but about eighteen months ago I began to experience insomnia… couldn’t get to sleep for hours and when I did, I would wake up half an hour later to remain sleepless for the remainder of the night.

The following morning I would struggle to do almost anything, work and driving being the most difficult.  This was the direct result of coming off HRT – I subsequently discovered hormones are a major factor in insomnia in women.

The GP reluctantly gave me pills… not many, they were addictive she told me so only fourteen at a time.  I would cut them up into quarters and try rationing myself to a quarter a night.  After a while that stopped working and I had to increase the dose and soon I was taking a whole pill, alternating it with an over-the-counter remedy bought in drugstores in the US.   Of course in the morning I would feel doped up for at least three hours but it was better than the alternative.

So far, so good…

…except that the pills’ effect began to wear off after a while and larger and larger doses were required to bring about a decent amount of sleep.

Naturally I would mention my struggle to friends and relatives, only to be told by those who fall asleep the moment their heads hit the pillow that clearly I don’t need much sleep.  insomnia3  I’m amazed I haven’t committed murder several  times over!

So my doctor came up with another solution – there’s a website called which works out how much sleep you’re getting/not getting and what the quality of your sleep is like.  Then it gives you suggestions for promoting a better night’s sleep. All well and good.

Then there’s the Sleep Restriction program.  This is the bit where they tell you to stay away from your bedroom until 1.30 am and then and only then can you go to bed.  The alarm must be set for 6.30am. You will notice this makes for a very short night. (Times vary according to your personal requirements which are determined after you have completed a Sleep Diary for a period of time.)

Over the next few weeks I struggled with SR (as  fellow sufferers on the online forum called it) managing to get to sleep immediately and then waking several times in the night.  At 6.30am I would stumble out of bed feeling as if I’d had hardly any sleep at all.  But eventually it did begin to get better. At my weekly ‘chat’ with the friendly cartoon Prof who doles out the helpful suggestions, I was told I could go to bed an extra 15 minutes earlier until now, I’m going to bed at 12.30am.  I am now managing a good 4-4 1/2 hours’sleep and though it still feels like it isn’t enough, it’s a vast improvement on before and I am not taking pills.  Result!  Hopefully I will continue until I manage to get at least six hours sleep and wake up in the morning feeling rested.  That’s all I ask.

So, I am writing this at midnight and looking forward to being able to crawl into bed.  If you have a problem with sleep, I would recommend  In the end there’s no point in relying on medication, as sooner or later it won’t work.  Getting back into a proper circadian rhythm is the only way and though it’s been a real struggle, hopefully I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Night, night!sleeping-boy-8427435





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Russia – A very different way

Just back from a trip to Moscow and St. Petersburg.  I expected it to be an eye-opener but the reality was, my eyes were opened in a totally unexpected way. Western assumptions about Russia are often still many years behind the times. It is a country trying to play catch up but the major towns, for example, have a very similar aesthetic. The concrete bunker-like buildings still exist but thankfully the Bolsheviks appreciated the value of many of their treasures and kept them safe. Sadly Stalin had different ideas and happily demolished the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour to make way for a gargantuan Palace of the Soviets. Construction was only halted when the Nazis invaded the Soviet Union and a replica Cathedral has now been built on the same site.  Moscow was an unexpected treasure.  I had thought St. Petersburg would be impressive and it really is but Moscow was a surprise.  It is on the one hand a modern city, trying to compete with every other international capital in its commercialism but it is also a monument to beauty and sumptuous splendour that leaves the visitor in no doubt why the Russian Revolution occurred.


St. Basil’s Cathedral

In Red Square, familiar from the old Soviet displays of military might there were preparations for an Edinburgh Military Tattoo style entertainment with posters of jolly Scotsmen hung around the seating area – the Russians admire the soldiers in their kilts apparently!  Opposite the Kremlin and Lenin’s tomb is the major department store GUM. Once a major trading centre commissioned by Catherine the Great the store has seen many incarnations.  After Stalin’s wife committed suicide in 1932 it was used briefly to display her body. When it reopened as a department store in the 1950s, it was one of the few places where consumer goods could be bought and was the scene of queues stretching all around Red Square as the deprived Muscovites waited in line for necessities. Today it is host to stores like Cartier, Gucci and Prada to name but a few.

Nothing is more beautiful than the gold onion domes of the many churches and cathedrals glinting in the afternoon sunshine.  The Kremlin Palace, gilded and brilliant stands within the red walls but overlooks the Moscow River so that the people could see what wealth and excess was available to those in power.


Kremlin Palace

It is a bit of a cliché that the Americans like to show they have everything bigger and better than the rest of the world.  Surely it is the Russians though that boast this with their buildings and monuments.

Within the walls of the Kremlin is the largest cannon in the world. The story goes that the gun was never fired in anger due to the difficulty of loading the enormous cannon balls!

Largest cannon ever built

Largest cannon ever built

There is an awe inspiring monument in the river, dedicated to Peter the Great. Again myths surround this gigantic structure. Some Muscovites will tell you that it was originally commissioned by the Americans as a tribute to Christopher Columbus but for some reason they decided they didn’t want it and the Russians cut off its head and inserted Peter the Great’s head in its place.

Peter the Great memorial

Peter the Great memorial

Our journey took us to St. Petersburg, a long cherished destination on my wish list.  Having coped with some very backward facilities – some of the public toilets are no more than holes in the ground still – we were pleasantly surprised by the Sapsan, bullet train.  It is as luxurious as travelling by air in club class and quiet and efficient. The constant announcements became a little annoying as each one in English was prefaced with ‘Dear Passenger’ and we couldn’t contain our astonishment at the warning, ‘Dear Passenger – the tracks on which trains run are dangerous places and we would urge you not to let your children play on the railway lines!’

Sapsan bullet train

Sapsan bullet train

St. Petersburg was everything I had hoped for and more. The sheer number of palaces was dizzying.  It seemed everyone with wealth lived in a palace and some of them were just stunning.  In Moscow and St. Petersburg there are museums and theatres almost on every corner and even though Stalin sold off a lot of the art after the war, the galleries still have many treasures.  Michaelangeo, Leonardo, Rembrandt, Renoir, Manet, Monet, Degas…the list is endless.  You could spend months going round the various palaces and galleries and still never see half of it.

Of course, the most famous palace in St. Petersburg is the Winter Palace housing the Hermitage museum.  It is a beautiful building but I couldn’t help remembering the awful events of the Bloody Sunday massacre in 1905 as I stood waiting to go in. A crowd of demonstrators was fired on by soldiers of the Imperial Guard as they marched towards the Winter Palace, hoping to present Tsar Nicholas with a petition. The end result, after the troops began firing, was that thousands of unarmed women, children and their menfolk were cut down. It is an enduring tale of shame and an event that was a catalyst in the Revolution of 1917.

Winter Palace, scene of the 1905 Bloody Sunday massacre

Winter Palace, scene of the 1905 Bloody Sunday massacre

Dreadful tales of deprivation sit alongside demonstrations of what is frankly, vulgar ostentation.  By my fourth or fifth room I never wanted to see gilding again.

However, having seen Catherine the Great’s coronation dress and the outrageous carriages used by the various royal families, there was a sense that your average Russian peasant must have looked on these people as gods and only utter desperation would have made them rebel in the way they did.

St. Petersburg, like Moscow, is a city devoted to culture.  They even have a square called Arts Square which houses only museums, theatres and galleries.

Whilst much of my sightseeing was done with a group, I did venture out on my own a few times and my journey to the Yusopov Palace gives an example of the way some things don’t quite work very well yet. I was planning on taking a taxi to the palace, the site of Gregory Rasputin’s assassination, after a wonderful boat trip through the canals and along the River Neva. After climbing off the boat I stood looking for a passing taxi – I was told you just stood and waited and one would eventually arrive.  One didn’t.  Our Russian guide, Vera, took pity on me and stood for some time with her arm in the air waiting for a passing cab.  Still nothing turned up.  Eventually, a man, whom I had been aware of standing by the waterside watching us, approached Vera and said something in Russian to her.  The next thing I knew she was bundling me into his car – an unmarked black Mercedes and he whisked me off to, as far as I was concerned, a life as a white slave!  He did stop at the Yusopov Palace fortunately but I was amazed at the trust Vera put in him, having warned us of the very shady characters still to be found, trying to get money off unsuspecting tourists.

Peter and Paul Fortress from the Neva

Peter and Paul Fortress from the Neva

On my final day, I rushed out to the Peter and Paul Fortress on an island in the middle of the Neva.  This contains the Cathedral where all the Romanovs are buried, including Tsar Nicholas, his wife and children.

As I was in a hurry, my transfer to the airport would be only a few hours away, I ordered a taxi from the hotel – my previous experience of finding taxis leaving me jaded.  The driver arrived promptly and though he had little English, offered, through hand signals and phoning his English-speaking boss and passing the phone to me, to pick me up again.  When we arrived the driver slipped the security guard a back-hander for letting him onto the island in the car (I was told I would have to walk across the wooden bridge, no cars were allowed on the island!). The driver then refused to take money for driving me there and pointed to his watch, signalling he would be back in one hour.  I then visited the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul to see the tombs of Catherine the Great, Peter the Great and of course, Tsar Nicholas II and his family, shot and beaten by the Bolsheviks in 1918. It was, of course, a moving experience.  I would have been more moved if I hadn’t been knocked over in the rush by several tour groups and their leaders waving a selection of pandas, roses, flags and umbrellas in the air.  I left, wondering whether my driver would turn up, comforted by the thought that he hadn’t yet had my roubles.  Sure enough, he was waiting at our pre-arranged spot, eating a Big Mac and waving at me.  He charged me exactly what we had agreed.  I was amazed.

Interior of the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul

Interior of the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul

Barely time to catch my transfer back to the airport, I took one last look at the this amazing, beautiful, corrupt and confusing city.  Like Moscow it lives in two worlds and is struggling to catch up with the commercialised cities of its old enemies while clinging to its glorious, over the top, outrageous past.

Burial place of Tsar Nicholas II and his family

Burial place of Tsar Nicholas II and his family

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The Trouble with Confidence


How to get confidence?  It’s a tough one.  If you’re born without it, getting hold of it can be a nightmare. In short, the only way to confidence is  (as we used to say in my psychological therapist days)  to act ‘as if’.  What does this mean?  Well, to put it another way: fake it till you make it.  Confidence comes with… confidence.  I know it sounds bizarre but unfortunately it’s true. As parents we are taught to praise our children, to tell them every day how great they are.  The very sad truth is, although we can do this until the sky turns green, no amount of our praising is going to give a child (or adult) confidence if they have a very low self-esteem.  Children will say ‘well, you’re my mother/father, of course you’d say that’ which is so frustrating because they will only believe good about themselves (on the whole) if someone else says so.

When I was fifteen I was terrified of the telephone.  If forced to answer it at home I would invariably trip over my tongue and say something stupid. I looked on the phone as my enemy and would get into a panic every time it rang.  A few months after my fifteenth birthday my father died and I found myself at work, in a public relations office.  I had no clue what PR was all about – in fact I thought I was working in a pet shop as our main client was a pet food manufacturer and there were budgerigars in cages in my room!  Now this office was the busy hub of (I kid you not) the Budgerigar Information Bureau and one of my first jobs was to answer the BIB hotline.  This was the telephone number people rang if their beloved budgies had French moult or were feather-plucking.  It was the first port of call if they wanted to know how to breed.  (They even used to send me their bird’s droppings in the post!) Imagine my horror when told on my first day that it would be my job to answer the BIB Hotline!  I felt sick, got into a sweat whenever the red phone rang… and it rang frequently.  One of my first callers announced in a geeky voice ‘Hello, I’ve got a skyblue cock!’… but that’s another story.

Almost worse than answering the Hotline was a task given to me when our press officer ran off to a remote island with a Czechoslovakian baron and a replacement couldn’t be found quickly enough.  I was to phone around to all the newspaper and magazine editors whenever there was a photo call or an event (a frequent occurrence) featuring budgies!  I seriously considered just leaving this job and trying to find another but the staff were kind and the wage good for those days, so I stuck it out.  Every day would be a nightmare where I forced myself to pick up the telephone and speak to, let’s face it, the cynical and sometimes less than patient journalists.  But after a few weeks something amazing happened.  I began to do it without shaking and sweating and stammering.  I got to know the journalists and established relationships with them and my confidence began to grow. Fake it till you make it.

When I used to see clients in the GP surgeries where I worked to give them assertiveness training, many of them felt so defeated they wouldn’t even try to help themselves.  No matter what exercises and tips I gave them, they couldn’t take that first step.  Usually what worked best was getting them to imagine they were someone else.  We all have daydreams, we all fantasise about being the most beautiful/intelligent/fascinating character.  I used to get them to walk into a crowded room and imagine they were the person they most admired and also to focus on just one person and try to find out all about them. ‘Forget about you, think about the other people in the room who are probably just as self-conscious as you are. Make eye contact and show interest in them – ask questions about them but if you’re feeling intimidated by them, imagine them naked with just a pair of bright green socks on!’  This seemed to work well.

The trouble with confidence is that to find it within yourself, you have to take risks, put yourself out there.  But the rewards are so great there is nothing to lose but… confidence!



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